Nick: Uh... So, why am I going to hell? (my very intelligent and funny student Nick Sterling assures me that this conversation from his high school days is nearly verbatim)
Her: Well… you see… it has do with the commandments. When we break them, even once, we go to hell.
Nick: Oh, I’ve heard of those. You mean like no killing, no stealing, no being bad? How did I break those?
Her: Well, we murder every day.
Nick: …. …. .… what? …. …. …. you do? (uncomfortable)
Her: I mean… well yeah. Like, when I don’t want to tip a waitress. What I’m really doing is thinking about how I would want her to be dead. So I’m really killing her.
Nick: What!?
Her: I mean that in my head, that’s the intent. That’s what we all do.
Nick: Uhh….okay .… …. well I really like to tip waitresses. I think that they work hard, and I like to surprise them with a good tip so that they can continue to support their families.
Her: See! You’re taking advantage of the waitress; you’re using the opportunity to leave the tip for your own satisfaction.
Nick: …. …. …. …. (nervously wiggling thumbs together)
Her: So you’re really killing her because you’re denying her humanity and taking advantage of an opportunity.
Nick: … okay… and I also have the intent to give to the waitress.
Her: But you’re covering up your real intentions in your head. You see, you’re also lying to yourself, breaking another commandment. We can’t help sinning. We do it all the time because we’re evil.
Nick: So this Christianity… the way you’re twisting my words… it’s like a trap?
Her: That’s the way it is for everyone. We all do these kinds of sinful things, and we’re all sinners.
Nick: You’re now seriously saying that I’m a sinner? I thought that you were joking before.
Her: Yes. We’re all sinners, and evil. All humans… We all are sinners. We're born sinful.
Nick: You’re telling me that a little baby, when it pops out, is evil? You’re saying that it has evil intentions and would kill waiters if it could? Why did God make us if he knew that we would be bad?
Her: Well… essentially, yes. But God didn’t make us evil. We chose that ourselves.
Nick: What sort of insane religion says that babies are evil!? They can’t even wipe themselves! How can a baby choose to be evil?
Her: Well… it’s Adam… you know?
Nick: Wait… you mean…. like… “the” Adam. The guy with the fig newton leaf? You really believe that story?
Her: Of course The Bible says it, and the Bible is God’s word. Everything in it is true.
Nick: … … … I’m confused. It sounds like I’m missing some terminology. So how does Adam make babies want to kill waiters?
Her: Oh that’s easy! Adam sinned against God, and so we all are sinful because of that. It’s called the “original sin.”
Nick: Wait, so a naked fruit-eating man made me pop out one day… … … as a vicious baby, instead of a cuddly, harmless, innocent one?
Her: You see, since we all come from Adam’s seed, we’re all sinful. And because we –
Nick: (extremely uncomfortable) wait! … … … did you just say “seed?” (I point to a plant)
Her: Okay well. Um. Since he sinned, then we are all sinners. And since we are all sinners, we’re all going to hell if we don’t accept Jesus as our savior. He saves us from being burned in hell for eternity.
Nick: (exhausted) Oh.
Perhaps incredibly, Nick IS in fact a Christian today; one of the most thoughtful I know. However, he still does not believe that babies want to kill waiters, so I guess he's a little unorthodox. Must be all that "emergent" stuff floating around.
Her: Well… you see… it has do with the commandments. When we break them, even once, we go to hell.
Nick: Oh, I’ve heard of those. You mean like no killing, no stealing, no being bad? How did I break those?
Her: Well, we murder every day.
Nick: …. …. .… what? …. …. …. you do? (uncomfortable)
Her: I mean… well yeah. Like, when I don’t want to tip a waitress. What I’m really doing is thinking about how I would want her to be dead. So I’m really killing her.
Nick: What!?
Her: I mean that in my head, that’s the intent. That’s what we all do.
Nick: Uhh….okay .… …. well I really like to tip waitresses. I think that they work hard, and I like to surprise them with a good tip so that they can continue to support their families.
Her: See! You’re taking advantage of the waitress; you’re using the opportunity to leave the tip for your own satisfaction.
Nick: …. …. …. …. (nervously wiggling thumbs together)
Her: So you’re really killing her because you’re denying her humanity and taking advantage of an opportunity.
Nick: … okay… and I also have the intent to give to the waitress.
Her: But you’re covering up your real intentions in your head. You see, you’re also lying to yourself, breaking another commandment. We can’t help sinning. We do it all the time because we’re evil.
Nick: So this Christianity… the way you’re twisting my words… it’s like a trap?
Her: That’s the way it is for everyone. We all do these kinds of sinful things, and we’re all sinners.
Nick: You’re now seriously saying that I’m a sinner? I thought that you were joking before.
Her: Yes. We’re all sinners, and evil. All humans… We all are sinners. We're born sinful.
Nick: You’re telling me that a little baby, when it pops out, is evil? You’re saying that it has evil intentions and would kill waiters if it could? Why did God make us if he knew that we would be bad?
Her: Well… essentially, yes. But God didn’t make us evil. We chose that ourselves.
Nick: What sort of insane religion says that babies are evil!? They can’t even wipe themselves! How can a baby choose to be evil?
Her: Well… it’s Adam… you know?
Nick: Wait… you mean…. like… “the” Adam. The guy with the fig newton leaf? You really believe that story?
Her: Of course The Bible says it, and the Bible is God’s word. Everything in it is true.
Nick: … … … I’m confused. It sounds like I’m missing some terminology. So how does Adam make babies want to kill waiters?
Her: Oh that’s easy! Adam sinned against God, and so we all are sinful because of that. It’s called the “original sin.”
Nick: Wait, so a naked fruit-eating man made me pop out one day… … … as a vicious baby, instead of a cuddly, harmless, innocent one?
Her: You see, since we all come from Adam’s seed, we’re all sinful. And because we –
Nick: (extremely uncomfortable) wait! … … … did you just say “seed?” (I point to a plant)
Her: Okay well. Um. Since he sinned, then we are all sinners. And since we are all sinners, we’re all going to hell if we don’t accept Jesus as our savior. He saves us from being burned in hell for eternity.
Nick: (exhausted) Oh.
Perhaps incredibly, Nick IS in fact a Christian today; one of the most thoughtful I know. However, he still does not believe that babies want to kill waiters, so I guess he's a little unorthodox. Must be all that "emergent" stuff floating around.
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